i'm not going to go about this all fancy and pretty. I hate laughing, it leaves empty and sad and it won't go away. it keeps me up at night just by not being there. now i feel so alone and empty, it's in my stomach, it's in my head, it's in my thoughts. It just leaves me wanting more. I need to keep laughing but there's no one there. it's like toiling under disgusting conditions on an empty stomach. i lose sight of everything. I don't want to live just to exist like those poor bastards in my essay. day in day out doing stuff that wont matter in a month a year a lifetime later. there's nothing cool about this, nothing 'emo' about this just plain depressing. I have to look into this fact everyday, but there's nothing i can see. in my future the land is barren, there's nothing but the bleak ugly horizons, the land doesn't disappear in the curve of the earth it just goes on and on until eyes rots or sight fails. i will have to live day in day out forever and ever and on and on. i don't matter anyway, to everybody else i'm just a ugly sulky bully with a crave for attention by threatening to drop dead any second. maybe i am, maybe i'm not. i don't care. i just want it to end. it hurts me to know that i will have to continue this meaningless existence. in the end all things die. they have to it is the law of the universe the nature of how things go.